Is this the world’s funniest football team? Meet the footie stars with outrageous names

Updated: November 27, 2012

THESE footballers have all got the sort of names that would make even the most seasoned commentator splutter over his words.

In fact, could this starting eleven compiled by The Cheerful Times be the strangest ever list of soccer stars to grace the beautiful game? You may have heard of some of them before and wondered if they actually exist – so we’ve tracked down photos that prove they’re all REAL.

Until now, you’d be forgiven for thinking that defenders such as the wonderfully named Waldo Ponce, and the equally eloquent Rod Fanni, were just figments of a headline writer’s imagination.

They are joined in our line-up by goalkeeper Fabian Assman, midfielder Mario Turdo, and the all-time Big Daddy of daft names himself: legendary German centre forward Ralf Minge.

Ok, we all know it is not big or clever to snigger. That is why we are publishing this line-up to show that these overseas players are all great professionals in their own right.

Here are full biographies for The Cheerful Times First XI “Footballers With Rude Names”. Enjoy…

Fabian Assman

Fabian Assman

1 – Fabian ASSMAN (goalkeeper):

There’s a saying in Argentina that nothing slips past Assman.

The unusually-named keeper currently plays for Independiente in the Argentine Primera Division and is renowned for being strong between the sticks.

Apparently back in 2009, there were rumours Chelsea were interested in signing him but nothing came of it. Must have been a bum steer.



2 – Waldo PONCE (defender)

Waldo Ponce

Waldo Ponce

Top defender Waldo made his debut for the Chilean national team in 2006 in the Pacific Cup against Peru, when fans were no doubt left asking: “Who’s that Ponce playing at the back?”

Waldo went on to become a regular in his nation’s 2010 World Cup squad, scoring Chile’s first official goal during a qualification match in a 4-2 win over Columbia.

In the domestic game Ponce is an ever present in the famous Universidad de Chile club side. Glad to hear it.



Rod Fanni

3 – Rod FANNI (defender)

Talented right back Rod Fanni is a French international who plays for Olympic de Marseille.

Monsieur Fanni is not your average footballer (clearly) and holds a degree in Industrial Science and Technology.

In 2009 he was rumoured to have been considering a move to the English Premier League, where several managers were thought to have expressed an interest in some Fanni.  Quite.



4 – Ulrich Van GOBBEL (defender)

A name like Van Gobbel is certainly a mouthful.

This Dutch international made eight appearances for his country and also played for Feyenoord Rotterdam and Galatasaray.

Ulrich also played briefly for Southampton, during which time he made 27 appearances and scored twice, once versus Lincoln City in the League Cup and once v Leicester City in the League. Must of been a case of “On me ‘ead, son!”




Johan de Kock

5 – Johan de KOCK (central defence / midfield)

Remember those heady days of Euro 96?

If so you’ll recall that the Netherlands got de Kock out for tournament, which saw England famously demolish the Dutch 4-1 at Wembley.

Johan was capped 13 times in total and played for FC Groningen, FC Utrect, Roda JC and FC Schalke.




Igor Shitov

Igor Shitov

6 – Igor SHITOV (defender / midfield)

Igor Sergeyevich Shitov plays for Dynamo Moscow but is currently on loan to FC Mordovin.

On the international scene, Igor is already an old hand, having been capped 30 times for Belarus.

He scored his only international goal to date in the 93nd minute of a friendly versus Finland. That must have left the oppositon in the muck.




Albert Nad

Albert Nad

7 – Albert NAD (defender / midfield)

Mr Nad is a seasoned international having played 45 games for Serbia and Montenegro, including representing his country during the 2006 FIFA World Cup.

At club level he was the youngest ever captain of Partizan, whom he had several spells with.

Albert is a favourite with the Seribian press for never giving up and having a “lion’s heart”. Presumably be never dropped a boll***!



Lopez Ufarte

Lopez Ufarte

8 – Lopez UFARTE (midfield / attack)

The immortal Lopez Ufarte was one of Spain’s trump cards at the 2002 FUFA World Cup.

The Morroccan-born forward also enjoyed an illustrious club career that saw him play for Athletico Madrid, San Sebastian and Real Betis.

Now retired, Ufarte is nonetheless still respected for giving defenders the skids.




Mario Turdo

Mario Turdo

9 – Mario TURDO (forward)

Feared Argentinian striker who started his career with Independiente.

Mario also enjoyed spells in Spain, appearing for Las Palmas, and in France, where he played for Stade Rennais FC.

Currently without a club, at 6ft 1in, Mr Turdo is no doubt built like the proverbial brick outhouse.




Stefan Kuntz

10 – Stefan KUNTZ (forward)

Meet John Motson’s worst nightmare. Feared German international  Stefan Kuntz made 449 appearances in the Bundesliga, scoring 179 goals.

Many fans probably remember him for scoring the equaliser in the 1-1 draw over 90 minutes with England in the Euro 96 semi-final at Wembley.

Stefan played 25 times for Germany, during which his country never lost. Perhaps Stefan was just a lucky Kuntz?



Ralf Minge

Ralf Minge

11 – Ralf MINGE (forward)

Striker who joined Dynamo Dresden in 1980.

Minge stayed with the club for 11 years, during which time he won two East German titles and scored 103 goals.

Ralf was capped 36 times, scoring eight international goals – so the crowds were always happy to see Minge in their team.



Manager: Fritz Fuchs

Yes – believe it or not, Fritz Fuchs is also a real name. Fritz was manager of FC Homberg in Germany, having previously spent six years as a player himself in the Bundesliga. His brother Werner is also a coach, as is Fritz’s son Uwe.



  1. Pingback: 23 Soccer Players With Deeply Unfortunate Names - zdouf!

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